The Unified Field Crossover History of the Universe, Page Five

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2002: Lone spawn of Cthulhu takes up residence in your fruit cellar, waits for you to go down to get that can of peas. -Odyssey spacecraft identifies significant amounts of water below the surface of Mars. -Cayce Pollard encounters the "footage" for the first time at a NoLiTa gallery party. -Aged Scooby (Great Doos are long-lived) finally dies of heart attack at premiere of lame biopic. At his funeral, his body disappears into a mysterious "scar" in fabric of reality.< -Library at Alexandria reopened. Insurance companies nervous. 2003: Wolfram & Hart disbarred. -Buffy and associates use advise from member of the Good Mages of Earth and mystic labrys to battle forces of the Hellmouth responsible for bad writing in recent seasons. Sunnydale undergoes urban renewal. -O-Ren Ishii loses head position in Yakuza. -U.S. serves eviction notice to Hussein family; many unforeseen consequences follow. Al Qaeda remains mysteriously unaffected by the invasion of a country that didn't support them. -Cayce Pollard learns the origin of the enigmatic footage and to love the Michelin Man. 2004:Sadako Yamamura and Samara Morgan both stopped after they watch each other's videotapes. -D.E.B.S swing into action; Lucy Diamond goes down. -Noting that Sunnydale is gone, Julian, Ricky and Bubbles lobby for Faith to become official Slayer for Sunnyvale. -Major quake in the Indian Ocean births tsunamis and widespread destruction; meanwhile, in the west, people save big on Boxing Day bargains. 2005: Dr. Who prevents the Slitheen's conquest of earth. -Timeshredder and Baron Bizarre meet over beer, discuss "Great minds think alike/fools seldom differ" paradigm. -Dagwood and Blondie Bumstead celebrate Diamond Anniversary. -Chevette Washington makes... Erm, no... Guess that didn't happen yet. -Hurricane Katrina causes mass destruction, vampire diaspora, questions about Bush's competency. 2007: Cthulhuspawn grows into a replica of progeniter's head, crawls from your cellar but disappears into black hole behind your couch. 2008: Riki "Garfunkel" Lindhome goes undercover as a Grad student at CalTech to help Dr. Sheldon Cooper reconcile black hole information paradox with his theory of string-network condensates. 2009: Torchwood and Captain Jack Harkness code the 451 out of our area, but the cost is grand, son. -Walter White, dying of cancer and uncertain of his principles, become meth cook "Heisenberg." -Wayfarer 515 takes a left turn at Albuquerque. Sadly, air traffic controller Donald Margolis lacked Q-like powers that would have prevented the accident. 2010: The Little Big One hits San Fran; Bay Bridge closed to traffic. 2011: Start of Bay Bridge community. 2014: The first effective gun printed from a 3-D printer; countdown to quick weapons and "Tea. Earl Grey." -Moot and Boxxy meet, battle supervillains. 2015: Penal colonies established on the moon; strange lunar lunacy means some people will recall this happening in the 1990s. 2020: Construction begins on the Villa Straylight. -John Boone becomes first man on Mars. -Sealab opens. -Chevette Washington makes virtual light-fingered grab. -Experimental ship from 2065 catches Manchu ship in timestream, carries it backwards. 2021: Riots on Moon Penal Colony put down by shutting power. 2022: Rez and the Idoru, Rei Toei, announce their engagement. 2024: Rei Toei gets Nanofaxed around the world; Cody Harwood tries to burn some bridges. 2026: The Ares sets off to colonize Mars; John Boone leads group. 2027: Ares lands on Mars with the First Hundred and "Coyote." 2031: Scooby's corpse lands on the other-dimensional world of Bas-Lag. His memories of earth shape the development of the infant planet where, due to a difference in scale, his ribs will in future be mistaken for mountains. 2035: Bio-engineered lichen takes root on Mars. -The bears discover fire. 2036: Biologist Hiroko Ai, Coyote, and others break away from Underhill Mars colony, establish secret base. 2037: Godlike artificial intelligences emerge in cyberspace. -With death of Zamboni Woman, era of costumed superheroes comes to an end. 2040: John Carter has difficulties with exploring party, commits murder on Mars. 2042: Scientists on Mars rediscover method for repairing genetic damage caused by age (variant of discovery made by Fu Manchu in 1890s). Initially, it is only made available to the Martian "First Hundred." 2045: Most of the Martian First Hundred reunited during deliberate crashing of an ice-heavy meteor. 2046: John Boone is assassinated. 2058: War looks imminent. Dr Hans Zarkhov tries to get out while the getting's good in experimental ship. A better engineer than he is geneticist, he takes along only Flash Gordon and Dale Arden as new "Adam and Eve." 2060: World War III fought. Terran society begins rebuilding the next day. Metanational corporations lead the way, realizing great opportunity to take total control. 2061: First Martian Revolution. First space elevator destroyed. -Inspired by Ann Arbor sf club, Moon Colony misfits adopt name "Stilyagi." Maybe if we all clap really, really hard, and say, "I believe in the Space Age...." 2063: Thunderbirds! form to patrol recovering Terran society. 2065: Hans Zarkhov's experimental ship becomes unstable, spirals backwards in time. 2070: Lunar Colony's computer, Mike/Mycroft, achieves sentience. 2075: Lunar Cabal, aided by Mike/Mycroft, begins revolution. 2076: Despite finding her a harsh mistress, Moon colonists declare independence from Terra. 2077: Apparent death of Mike computer's sentience after Lunar revolution succeeds. 2081: Birth of prodigy Elroy Jetson. 2088: Work begins on second Mars space elevator. 2097: Theoretical work of Elroy Jetson, Zephram Cochrane leads to huge advances in spaceflight technology. 2101: William Fort, head of metanational Praxis, realizes old economic systems are ultimately destructive. Makes contact with Martian Underground, hoping to find new way. -All your base are belong to us. 2106: Hiroko Ai's Gamete Colony on Mars destroyed by metanational police; most colonists escape. 2107: Martian underground, surviving First Hundred, Wiliam Fort and others write the Brevia Dorsa document, declaration of Martian principles. 2127: Melting of ice shelves flood Terran coastlines. -Second Martian Revolution. 2128: Martian Constitution written, ambassadors sent to earth. Important steps, to be sure, but somehow less thrilling to read about than Mars' early history. 2130: Human contact with Vulcans and Navigator species. Yeah, sure, Herbert probably intended the Navigators to be genetically-altered humans, but the "alien" approach fits the timeline better. 2140: Humanity spreads to the stars in generation ships. 2141: Few remaining descendants of Moreau's island, still unable to find acceptance, head for stars; will spend most of time hanging around the background of space bars and seedy colonies. 2145: Spaceship Nostromo encounters dangerous acid-bleeding critters on alien planet. Stopped by Ripley. Believe it or not. 2148: Rolling Stones tour for last time. 2155: Pretty good "warp-drive" developed on Terra by Skyhook, Inc, and Yoyodyne Propulsion; spaceship Enterprise sets out under Captain Archer, accompanied by top-heavy Vulcan diplomat and monumentally cheesey theme-song. Five minutes out of drydock, technical failure ends mission. Rescued crewmembers report hallucinations of Temporal Cold War and sleazy Decon scenes. 2161: Starfleet Academy established. 2163: "Uncle" Martin Boothby hired as Starfleet Academy groundskeeper. 2167: Terrans form alliance with Elf-descended Vulcans, Nymph-descended Vulvans. New Federation petitions Tripeds for membership in Galactic Union. 2175: Gulf Stream tampered with to prevent impending Ice Age; penguins protest. Coastlines disrupted by 2120s melting are largely re-established as temperatures stabilized. 2200: Terrans arrive on Pern. -Mentally stunted off-shoot of Paks, known as "Paklid," stumble off Ringworld in cut-rate ships that make them go. 2209: The Narn drive out the Klingons. 2227: Terran warp-drive improve significantly. 2230: Early encounters between Terrans and Romulans; peace treaty negotiated over subspace radio, without physical contact. 2242: Earth/Minbari War begins with dispute over Melange trade. -New starship Enterprise recalled after mission to Talos IV, refitted as warship. 2248: Earth/Mimbari War ends. 2249: Terran president Santiago launches the Babylon Project to prevent another war. Saboteurs prevent the first three stations from being completed. 2250: The Shadows begin to stir on Z'ha'dum. 2254: Babylon 4 is completed but disappears into a rift in the Maze. 2255: Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk becomes the first Terran ship to reach the edge of the galaxy. Unsurprisingly, they do not find an energy barrier there, as that would strain the plausibility of this timeline. They do, however, track a mysterious spidery ship to a planet near the edge of the galaxy-- Z'ha-dum-- and deal with a mysteriously supercharged crewmember. -Enterprise encounters several genetically-engineered superhumans from the 1990s, whose ship has inexpliccably reached deep space. -Enterprise timewarps to twentieth century, but returns. 2256: Babylon 5 goes online, in orbit of Epsilon 3. Council convenes to determine why the stations were named for "Babylon." -Enterprise timewarps to twentieth century twice, but returns. 2257: Babylon 5 commander Sinclair is framed for attacking the Vorlon, Kosh, but proves his innocence. -Terran research ship, the Icarus, investigates Z'ha'dum. Crew inadvertently awakes the Shadows. -Babylon 4 begins sporadic reappearances. -Enterprise adventures under Kirk become somehow less satisfying during third year of five-year mission. -Space Hippies. Riiiight. 2258: Enterprise crew makes early contact with Kzinti race. -Londo of Kling gains the support of the Shadows, who destroy a Narn outpost. -Delenn, the Minbari ambasador, enters a chrysalis sort of thingy. -Snidely Whiplash XIII, working for the Shadows, assassinates Santiago. Santiago is succeeded by Morgan Clarke, Tool of the Shadows. -Vorlon locate and reawaken Gandalf. 2259: Delenn emerges from chrysalis as Human/Mimbari crossbreed sort of thingy. -Sinclair, assisted by a coffee-guzzling Gandalf, assembles the Rangers. -The Klingons war against the Narn again. With the Shadows' help, the "Centauri" win. 2260: The Shadow War begins. As Earth's corrupt government and the warped Klingon Emperor have allied themselves with the Shadows, Babylon 5 declares independence from Terra, fights on the side of the Federation/Galactic Union. -Lamont Cranston revives from suspended animation, sues the Shadows for copyright infringement. -Shadows defeated; Z'ha'dum de'str'oyed. 2261: Klingon Emperor assassinated; Narns freed. Attempts made to restore the honour-code of Kahless and to improve national costumes. 2264: Enterprise crew encounter time-warped X-Men. 2268: "Kling" renamed "Q'ronoS." Inhabitants develop retroactive forehead ridges. 2270: Enterprise returns once again to the 20th century to save the whales, or something. 2273: Moon of Q'ronoS explodes. Federation delegates debate the significance of that final capital "S." 2300: Influenced by "Tree of Life" plant, some Ringworld revenant-vampires achieve sentience, though they do not become full-fledged protectors. -Starfleet significantly reduces tech problems by keeping an extra set of dilithium crystals in the glove compartment of each ship. 2321: Snidely Whiplash XIV assassinates Iklno Xlhibfg, frames Ubakus H0uan. 2363: Latest Enterprise, under Jean-Luc Picard, encounters "Armus," dark side of Gods, Inc., on remote planet. Tasha Yar dies for first of several times. -Armus recovers history of Cthulhu from Yar's mind, begins plotting, develops way that total intergalactic genocide could be made to work. 2364: Galactus eats "Armus" planet, inadvertantly saving the universe. Dies of indigestion. 2366: The Borg declare war on the Galactic Alliance. 2367: First wave of Borg invasion meets with some success. Second wave defeated when Enterprise crew shows them an M.C. Escher drawing*. Third wave defeated after a three-minute conversation with a Triped. Borg shut down. No, they shut down. All other Borg stories are figments of the imagination. Yeah, Jeri looks hot in that body suit, and the Borg Queen has this fetish kind of thing going for her, but the other Borg stories do more damage to series continuity than this timeline. 2368: Morn starts bartab at Quark's. 2370: Ouch! Ok, ok, maybe there's this really different off-shoot of the Borg who have reinstated gender and developed along the lines of social insects. Yeah. All right. Then they'd have a Borg queen and the timeline doesn't have to lose an exciting, I mean, a conceptually interesting techno-fetish character. 2375: Enterprise Captain Will Riker sent back in time after annoying a Time-Lord. Physicists develop new theories based on apparent connection between ships named Enterprise and the 20th Century. 2404: Kzinti arrive on Terra, not purrfectly welcome. First Human/Kzin War begins. 2419: Sleeping Buck Rogers awakes in the 25th Century, has short-lived twentieth-century white-guy "Yellow Peril" reaction to presence of Asians in America before befriending robot pal Twiki and battling against Kzinti or "Tigermen," as he likes to call them. 2425: In space battle, Buck's robot pal Twiki is knocked into trash compactor, torn apart by chopping machines; remnants are blasted by hyperphasers into component molecules which are then reduced to subquarks and transported into various dimensions, never to be rejoined again under any circumstances. 2464: Really good take-out food perfected. 2490: Second Human/Kzin Wars erupt over catnip trade. -Pierson makes contact with Puppeteers. 2492: Social pressures in the wake of the Human/Kzin Wars lead to earth's Federation representatives becoming a more oppressive "Alliance." 2495: Attempts at social control on Miranda colony leads to "death by passivity" of most of the world's population. About 10% have a very different reaction, and become wild "Reavers." 2500: Birth of C. Arthur "Clip Art" Cliparti. 2501: Tensions between the Alliance and fringe human colonists break out into fullscale war, which ends with the Battle of Serenity. 2505: Serenity survivor Malcolm Reynolds and crew, on board "Firefly" class ship grow prominant among cut-rate freelancers to the border colonies. Hampered by Alliance soldiers and Fox bureaucrats. 2507: Serenity crew expose the Alliance's involvement in the Miranda situation, but only at the cost of crewmembers' lives. Human race moves away from insular totalitarianism and begins to re-embrace the rest of the galaxy. 2533: Sentient vampires leave Ringworld. 2525: "Clip Art" enters the Maze, but fails to bring a spoon. -The Khanate officially secedes from the Terran Federation. 2651: Birth of Louis Wu. 2771: Sentient Ringworld vampires crash on planet Realeffinobscurus IV. 2851: Louis Wu, Teela Brown, Kzinti Speaker-to-Animals, and Puppeteer Nessus arrive on Ringworld. 2853: "Speaker-to-Animals" gains his name, Chmee. 2855: Ringworld becomes unstable. 2870: Teela Brown encounters "Tree-of-Life" on Ringworld, becomes a Protector. 2881: Wu, "the Hindmost" and others restore stability to Ringworld. 2921: Remnants of hardcore "Alliance" forms the National Orbital Terrestrial Territories (N.O.T.T.). -Two incarnations of Dr. Who are beside themselves when they encounter Sontarans on Space Station J7. 2939: Death of Khan Ho Tep, Last Khan of the Khanate and Major Hardcore Pompous Ass. Despite his death, Terran factionalism increases. 2958: Second era of costumed superheroes begins when Saturn Girl, Cosmic Boy, and Lightning Lad, inspired by legends of the 20th century, form the Legion of Superheroes. 2968: Renegade geneticists Zandor and Tara form "Herculoids" to protect pristine planet Amzot from sinister invaders! 2985: Second era of costumed superheroes comes to an end, after a Crisis messes things up so badly no one can really sort these guys out anymore. 3000: Rocket Robin Hood and his Merry Men establish base on Sherwood Asteroid and do battle with N.O.T.T. 3139: Bodies of Khan Ho Tep and Lias Lo Amumja dumped off the side of Everest. 3180: Time-Lord Who and Lady Romana discover Realeffinobscurus IV tyrannized by vampire rulers; make like slayers. 3535: Everything you think, do, or say/ is in the pill you took today. 4000: Magnus kicks robo-butt. -Human colonists grow increasingly separated from Terra, where technologically altered post-humans start to become dominant species. 4085: Beginning of major factional wars on Terra. 4089: Voynix programmed to destroy enemies of their masters. They interpret their orders rather broadly, killing above and beyond the call of duty. 4090: Rubicon virus wipes out 90% of Terran population; colonists decide to give homeworld a pass for the next few hundred holiday seasons. 5054: Terrans encounter long-lost human settlements on planet Winter. 5690: Moira/Savi remains behind in stasis at the Sepulchre of Khan Ho Tep after the last of post-humans get beamed or "faxed" off the earth to orbital rings. Voynix reprogrammed to serve limited population of old-style humans, who live whirlwind social lives. 5691: Cthuluspawn "Sebetos" sets eyes on home dimension. 6000: Terrans and offshoots (Klingons/Centauri, Romulo-Vulcans) at center of several major space wars. -In Andromeda Galaxy, last intergalactic earthships encounter the Wirrn, an insect race. Raid and conflict follow. 7079: Posthumans who have assumed the forms of ancient Greek gods establish themselves on Mars and begin playing games with ancient warriors and quantum physics. -089: Moravecs of Five Moons Consortium investigate chaos caused by pseudo-gods on Mars. 7090: Post-human gods, Cthulhuspawn Sebetos, Moravecs, and various others involved in major battles. Voynix go apeshit again. 7091: Return of relative peace on earth. but most interstellar colonies maintain "don't call us, we'll call you" attitude. -Gandalf awakes, discovers he's missed the action. 7450: Terran society slips back into medieval, despotic period. Things kinda suck. Gandalf sets alarm for 11, 313 AD. 8091: Former official torturer Severian forced, reluctantly, into hero role when Terra's sun is threatened. 9000: Founding of Bene Gesserit order, descendants of Romulo-Vulcan Matriarchs and priestesses. 8707: I.V. Holtzman born on Liesco II. 8733: Holtzman cyborgized. 8735: Holtzman establishes communication between worlds. Puppeteers re-sell Terran colonies old technologies. Humanity re-takes to the stars; Wars of Reunification begin. Other species begin avoiding humans. 9821: Q'ronoS renamed "Salusa Secundus." 11 278: Emperor Ladislaus the Great reunites Terrans under the Empire of Ten Thousand Worlds (actually only six-hundred and forty-two, but "Ten Thousand" has a better ring). 11 313: Reawakened Gandalf briefly encounters Bene Gesserit "witches." 11 315: Gandalf puts self in stasis, heads to distant galaxies. 12 611: "Death of Machines" occurs, due to bigotry, Puppeteer-made virus, and "13k" panic. Rise of civilizations on other-dimensional world of Bas-Lag. 13 000: Sale of generators; controversy over whether the new century begins in 13 000 or 13 001. 14 000: Early breeding of human computers-- "Mentats"-- from Vulcan/Terran stock. 14 289: Eschewing further "help" from Puppeteers, humans develop own plague-resistant computers. Having proven that they can learn, Terrans once more reconnect across the stars and re-establish despotism. "Stop acting like a primate" becomes standard insult among some species for predictable and destructive behaviour. 15 2000: Dr. Who once again screws over the Sontarans. 16 014: Jehanne Butler exploits tensions between "Human-firsters" and Computypes, begins Butlerian Jihad. 16 106: Jihad ends. Computer banned on Terran-settled worlds. Other species shake heads or analogous body parts. 16 212: Battle of Corrin. 16 280: Navigators and associates-- the Spacing Guild-- negotiate with human Empire. 16 285: Corporations on Aerarium IV create CHOAM. 16 300: Emperor, Spacing Guild, and CHOAM establish balance of power in Terran colonies. Stability and Stagnation become the norm. 16 685: Lishash Rebellion begins. 16 688: Lishash Rebellion ends. Emperor Saudir III makes Salusa Secundus a prison planet. -Terminal Couch Potatoes, meanwhile, are relocated to Slobulus Tertius. 16 690: Elite Imperial Troops, the Sardaukar founded, trained on Salusa Secundus. 18 000: On other-dimensional world of Bas-Lag, city of New Crobuzon founded around Rib Mountains. 20 000: Dr. Who helps the Menoptera to defeat the Animus and the Zarbi and also to avoid the Giant Can of Raid. 22 004: Imperial Committee examines lack of non-Herbert references in this era. 25 023: Bene Gesserit begin breeding program to produce "Kwisatz Haderach," one with the power to see through time the way ancient wizards were alleged to do and also ability to say "Kwisatz Haderach" thirty time really fast. 26 440: Duke Leto Atreides I born. 26 454: Lady Jessica born. 26 474: Paul Atreides born. -As the timeline is becoming somewhat boring, irrelevant link is inserted to party-oriented site. 26 489: House Atreides moves to Arrakis. Dune. Desert Planet. Source of Spice for the Navigators Guild. Noble Attempt to Create a World where the Conventions of Space Opera make Sense. 26 490: House Harkonen and the Sardaukar attack Arrakis. Duke Leto dies; Paul and Jessica join Fremen in the desert. Alia Atreides born. 26 494: Paul regains control of Arrakis and spice monopoly, opens a real can of worms. 26 509: Leto II and Ghanima born to Paul and Chani. Chani dies. Paul does prophet-in-desert shtick. Alia becomes regent. 26 519: Leto II, slowly transforming into sandworm-thingy, ascends to throne as "God Emperor." 30 004: Empire begins collapsing as fringe worlds discover and re-introduce forbidden technologies. Many humans will retain noble-sounding titles, however. 33 000: Gandalf returns to this portion of the universe. 997 462: Quasi-human scientist Rassilon learns how to easily manipulate the Maze with devices known as TARDISes. One Million: Terra, mainly populated by genetically-altered time-manipulating human descendants, becomes known as Gallifrey, planet of the Lords of Time. Their experiments move the planet out of strict chronology with the rest of the universe. One Million and Some Change: Time Lord Callahan and Lady Sally realize statistical inevitability that "Earth" should have been destroyed either by alien invadors or world war in 20th century. Someone, they realize, must have prevented these things. Decide the someones were them, head back in time. -Rebel Time Lord Dr. Who travels through time and space and has many wacky adventures. -Evil Time Lord "the Master" travels through time and space doing evil stuff and suing his vampiric namesake. -Remaining Sontarans invade Gallifrey, discover secrets of the Maze. Brains seriously weakened by years of cloning, they set off into the past and set up elaborate plot involving clones of the mythical "All-American Boy."(A-BB) Four Billion: Universe has changed significantly, but some human colonists in a galaxy far, far away have retained basic human form. The energy of many dead races, meanwhile, survives as "the Force." The slowly dying universe has changed laws of physics; there's air resistance in space, so objects moving therein make a whoosh sound as they pass, and "parsec" is now a measurement of time, not space. -Meanwhile, in yet another distant galaxy, humans with only vague memories of "Earth" get with the program and settle on Kobol. Four billion, ten thousand: Kobol oracle Pythia makes predictions about the future of the human race. Four billion, 11500: Kobolites spread out and settle on twelve colonies. Four Billion, 13460: Cylons, the creations of humans, rebel and are cast out from the colonies. Four Billion, 13500: Cylons destroy human creators; only a ragtag fleet, led by Commander Adama on board the Battlestar Galactica survive. Dr. Gaius Baltar, resident genius, meanwhile, can't seem to get ahold of himself. Four Billion, 13502: The Vorlon decide to have some fun with Kara "Starbuck" Thrace, who has wandered from Galactica seeking Earth. Four Billion, 13504: Galactica raids Cylon stronghold to save Hera, remaining unaware of the fact that the nearby naked singularity transports them and (inexplicably) the rest of the fleet through the Maze to page one of the timeline. In the process, their writers lose all sense of restraint. Four Billion, Eight Million, 27: Jedi Knights founded by Yoda and a (yawn) reawakened Gandalf. Four Billion, Eight Million, 490: The "life-force" of every annoying idiot in history reforms as an organic being, takes the name "Jar Jar Binks." Four Billion, Eight Million, 527: Luke Skywalker and his allies rescue Princess Leia from the Death Star and like, there's this one Stormtrooper, right? And, like, he bangs his head running through the doorway, and he almost knocks himself out. Heeheehee. Four Billion, Eight Million, 530: The Second Death Star is destroyed and the Evil Galactic Empire is overthrown. Four Billion, Eight Million, 540: Recent galactic history is repeated as "the Special Edition." -Greedo transformed into an idiot who shoots with less accuracy than an Imperial Stormtrooper, just so the kiddies won't be traumatized by Han Solo shooting first. -One Bajillion AD: He Who Remains sends the Time Twisters backwards through time. Or maybe he doesn't. These time paradox stories hurt my head. -The Universe ends. CONTINUE!

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