|The Unified Field Crossover History of the Universe: Page Four|
|1940: Lab accident changes Jay Garrick into the Flash. In the only plausible origin story of any superhero, he uses his newfound powers to impress women. Turns to crime-fighting when he discovers being the "fastest man alive" doesn't make him the babe magnet he'd hoped it would.|
-Impressed by success of Superman, Gandalf/Shazam creates Captain Marvel. Superman sues, but they later settle differences.
-Batman takes on youthful partner, Dick Grayson/Robin.
-Denny Colt takes on identity as "the Spirit."
-Members of the Pevensie family cross into Narnia, where they encounter mythic beasts, talking animals, and (Jesus Christ!) a lion. Repeat for 1941 and 1942.
-James Bond expelled from Eton after affair with maid.
-As war in Asia encroaches on Shangra-La, a still-youthful Dana Adler moves to Americas, has affair with Lazarus Long.
-Timeline begins to get really crowded.
-Frank Zamboni invents the machine that bears his name.
1941: Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor; USA enters WW II.
-Chief Tool Hitler breaks from the Five's control, madly follows his own world-destroying vision, instead of theirs. Nazis now likely to lose war. "Five" member Rudolph Hess arranges "capture" of his double in Britain so that he will be able to work behind the scenes in post-war world. Double stands trial and is imprisoned.
-Clark Kent misreads eye chart due to X-ray vision, is unable to join army and bring immediate end to war.
-Lab accident creates Plastic Man.
-Dana Adler gives birth to daughter, Gaya.
-Ma Hunkel begins career as the Red Tomato, I mean, Tornado.
-Rustin Parr unsuccessfully attempts to blame child-murders on older woman.
1942: Disastrous raid on Dieppe.
-Wonder Woman leaves Paradise Island. She dates Steve Trevor, but lives with Dana Adler and hangs with sorority girls, thus staving off mother's concerns about her sexuality.
-Elmer Fudd shoots Bambi's mother.
-"The Five" revive Dracula with a mystic ritual; confused but arrogant as ever, he refuses to join them.
-Dr. Reinstein's research results in creation of Captain America.
-Lawrence Pritchard Waterhouse joins Detachment 2702.
-Time- Lord Callahan and Lady Sally arrive from the future, eventually establish (a)saloon and (b) brothel to prevent (c) alien invasion and (d) nuclear war.
1943: Dracula, under the name of "Anthony Alucard," moves to New Orleans where he stays at the Dark Oaks plantation. Will spend next few years doing bit parts in bad movies.
-Sub carrying Nazi gold to join the "Golgotha" motherlode sinks.
-Frankenstein's Monster rescued from beneath rubble by man seeking cure for lycanthropy.
1944: Allies invade "Fortress Europe" with an Axis to grind.
-The "Golgotha" motherlode of stolen gold is seeled; only two survive who know its location.
-Joe Kavalier survives accident that wipes out most of Allied base in Antarctica.
-Time-travelling Will Riker bounces forward in time, but not place, from early 1900s, and assumes identity of "Ashley Longworth Jr."
-Tyrone Slothrop goes AWOL.
-Billy Pilgrim becomes unstuck in time.
-AAB clone "Steve Bollander" born in southern California.
-Demon Glyrihflb mates with human female; Jerry Springer conceived.
-Time-Lords Dr. Who and Susan settle in England. Schoolteachers Barbara Wright and Ian Chesterton uncover their alien nature.
-Rogers family receives sentient though cowardly "Great Doo" pup, name him Scooby.
-Mysterious alien "Uncle" Martin Boothby arrives on earth, lives covertly with reporter Tim O'Hara, a cousin of Dr. Bruce Banner.
-Wilson Fisk becomes bodyguard to Michael Corleone, will prove as loyal as any member of a criminal syndicate.
-Mrs. Kry finally receives some kind of release; doomsday postponed.
-Dr. Charles Xavier founds the Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters, drawing in "X-Factor" descendants of James Howlett.
1964:-Beatlemania sweeps world. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
-Diana Scully born.
-Lazarus Long takes on identity of "Alfred Fellig," freelance photographer.
-John Horn and Major Flint of the Teutonic Knights LEL make "devil's bargain" with alien Chulpex; both sides bent on mutual exploitation of the other for own sinister ends.
-Nate Gordon is contacted by Joseph Bellamy, introduced to the Esquires of the Sword and the Maze.
-Pete Keeley leaves the Junior Forest Rangers after growing tired of the Canadian stereotypes that populate Indian River.
1965: Pope Paul IV of Rome, Athaneagoras of Constantinople, recind mutal excommunications of their 11th-century predecessors. 11th-century predecessors unavailable for comment.
-Attempts by alien Chulpex to invade earth through the Maze foiled.
-Professor Xavier creates worldwide organization for mutants.
1966: Bruce Wayne Jr. becomes new Robin. Dynamic Duo goes into goofy, pop phase. More popular than ever, but serious fans embarrassed.
-Wilson Fisk arranges murder of Michael Corleone, becomes Kingpin of Crime, prevents future besmirching of Godfather legacy by third-rate script and relative lack of acting ability.
1967: Summer of Love provides endless possibilities for youthful idealism and marketing campaigns.
-Accident in prison lab transforms wrongly-convicted Lucas Cage into Powerman.
-Surfer gal Elsie Enthrington rides the wind to San Juan, becomes Sister Bertrille, the Flying Nun, rebuffs fishing expeditions by her "Singing" counterpart.
-Hideous death of Yamamura Sadako which, well, will ring in far worse things.
1968: Birth of O-Ren Ishii.
-Death of Boy Staunton, driving stoned.
1969: Neil Armstrong becomes the first human on the moon.
-Lamont Cranston put into experimental suspended animation through self-mind-clouding.
At Stanford Research Institute, the technology that will become the Internet used to send computer-to-computer message. While researchers try to "log-in," the system crashes; historic first message is "lo". Shape of things to come.
-Sgt. Nathaniel J. Teager taken prisoner by Vietnamese; he will later learn Shadow's mind-clouding secrets and good springroll recipe.
-Fred Jones, Velma Dinkley, Daphne Blake, Norville "Shaggy" Jones, and Scooby-Doo form Mystery, Inc," travel the land in groovy van. They solve many mysteries, but fail to explain the mysterious change to Darrin Stephens' appearance.
-Ignatius Reilly leaves New Orleans with Myrna Minkoff; Burma Jones receives award.
-Woodstock concert achieves mythic status; many future "event" concerts will be ruined by idiots' attempts to live up to myth.
1970: Somewhere out in space, Daleks tire of not being able to conquer any planet that has developed stairs. They begin recruiting other beings and breeding "Borgs." Image Consultant suggests they replace overly simple slogan, "Exterminate! Exterminate!" with something "a little less final-sounding."
-Meanwhile, on Earth, Prof. Schwab will hold the first meeting of what will become the World Economic Forum in Swiss town named for the creator of the Daleks.
-Birth of second-generation-copy mutant Samara Morgan.
-Darcy Qin meets Hilary Rodham, first conceives of organization that will later be realized as the "Parker Girls."
1971: Hibernating Silurians awake.
-Advance scouts from planet Transsexual arrive on earth, set up in castle near Denton, Ohio.
-James Robert Boone inherits Chapelwaite.
1972: Dr Who and British Secret Service prevent hostile invasion of Silurians. Reptilian race resumes rest.
-Inspired by Kwakuitl culture, encounter with Dr. Who, Margaret Craven writes I Heard the Owl Call My Name.
-Henderson scores the winning goal.
-Banzai Institute Founded.
-Mystery, Inc. meet Batman and Robin (and a statistically significant number of other celebrities).
1973: James Robert Boone, aided by [insert favorite hero here] destroys Chapelwaite, drives away the Worm.
-Inspired by Heinlein novel, Ann Arbor SF club adopts name, "Stilyagi."
1974: Transexuals leave earth after small opposition from group of earthlings, and internal squabbles. Good domestic help is hard to find, mostly you just end up with Rif Raf.
-Harper Curtis trots up and introduces himself to Kirby Mazrachi.
-Shangra-La becoming tourist trap; Shirley Khan moves to North America with family.
-Louis the Vampire gives interview to Frisco reporter.
-Captain Sticky begins crime-fighting career.
1975: Indonesia invades China, cites China as role model.
-Captain Canuck encounters aliens, gains powers, wears bell-bottom flag outfit, starts crime-fighting career.
-Birth of Lady Lara Croft.
-Disgruntled mutants sue Prof. Xavier for discrimination, claiming he caters only to mutants with cool powers.
-Nyarlathotep dispenses with Ambrose Dexter, merges with his son, Lax. Latest version of the Five prepare for Sauron's return to full consciousness and Cthulhu's resurrection-- each imagining a different consquence with himself as triumphant ruler. Only the Necromantress knows the Dark TruthTM....
1976: Disgruntled mutants form "Y-Men" (the ex-X-men) co-chaired by "the Human Slug" and the amazing "Foot-for-a-Nose Man."
-Viking lands on Mars.
-Dr Who deals with potential Zygon invasion; Skaarasen continues to live in Loch Ness.
-Mao Zedong dies; zelegacy is problematic.
-Western media finally gets around to noting that Indonesia has invaded East Timor.
1977:Zan and Jayna, super-powered refugees from Romulus, escape to earth and join the Justice League, as replacements for two teenage doofuses and a dog with a cape.
-Female members of Y-Men complain of gender discrimination within organization.
-Jennie Walters gets blood transfusion from cousin Banner, becomes She-Hulk. Red Cross begins screening for radioactive blood.
-Captain Britain begins crime-fighting career.
1978: Disgruntled female mutants form XX-Women.
-Superboy begins going by name Superman, superseding his super-dad who seeks super-retirement.
-A brash, young Red Green founds the Possum Lodge.
-Rose returns to Hanratty, Ontario, tries to come to terms with life. Ralph Gillespie makes ass of self doing impersonations at the Legion Hall.
-Death of Samara Morgan which, like that of Sadako Yamamura, will not bode well.
1979: Soviet Union invades Afghanistan.
-Snidely Whiplash IV shoots J.R.
-Vince McMahon rounds up descendants of Moreau's island, forms WWF.
-Galactus devours Vogon Constructor Fleet, inadvertantly saving earth.
-O-Ren Ishii goes anime on Yakuza Boss Matsumoto's ass.
-Ewen High School's post-prom parties get cancelled.
-While preparing for Cthulhu Revival and General Genocide, "the Five" make the more paranoid elements sort-of aware of their existence. This results in belief in trans-generational, international Satanic cults, which in turn will lead to bad psychiatric treatment, modern witchhunts, innocents going to jail, televangelists being taken seriously. "The Five" smile wickedly.
1980: Dick Grayson killed in action. Selena Kyle chokes on hairball. Daughter of Wayne and Kyle becomes "the Huntress"; son trades in "Robin III" role for tap shoes and heads for Broadway. Bruce Wayne starts drinking.
-Puppeteers secretly contact Bill Gates, sell him on idea of not making computers with more than two digits to count the year.
-Gandalf informs Shirley Khan of "the Five's" plot. Weak and dying once more, he commissions her to stop them.
-Finally settled after events at Chapelwaite, James Robert Boone marries.
1981: Buffy Anne Summer born, destined to be next Slayer.
-Biology student Carol Connors gets scratched by radioactive cat, becomes "Cat Claw," fights crime, frequently loses outfit.
1982: Concorde sucked back to Jurassic Era by Master's time-contour.
-Darcy Parker forms the Parker Girls, who d.u.c.k. into the lives of the rich and famous.
-Birth of John Boone.
-Captain Vatican City begins patrolling round the square.
-Osama bin Laden enters Afghanistan to assist fight against Soviet Union, takes much-coveted "lesser of two evils" spot.
1983: The Dark Knight, suffering from midlife crisis, takes on young girl as new "Robin," has one last fling behind the bat-cowl.
-Eli moves to Blakeberg, wonders if she's the right one for this neighborhood.
-First Smurf/Care Bears War.
1984: William Gibson coins the term "cyberspace."
-Buckaroo Banzai successfully tests Overthruster, thrust into conflict between Red and Black Lectroids.
-bin Laden gains support from the U.S. in his fight against the Soviet invaders of Afghanistan. Through a CIA/"Five" double-agent, he will meet Lax Dexter.
1985: Akasha awakens from her trance, destroys Enkil and begins her worldwide slaughter of vampires. Makaere, aided by Lothos, destroys Akasha. Makaere proclaims herself the new Queen of the Damned; Lothos decides he is the King.
-Lord Croft dies in field after double-crossing agents of "the Five."
-Douglas Shaftoe founds Semper Marine Services; begins salvaging, and hopes to find the gold-laden submarine on which his father had been a passenger.
-Francine Peters experiences a wardrobe malfunction at the school play; Katina "Katchoo" Choovanski runs away to L.A.
-Gott and Hiscock realize the universe may be stringing us along.
1986: Justice League International formed.
-Captain Sarnia begins crime-fighting career, battles the Toxic Blob.
- Larry Harvey and Jerry James hold the first Burning Man; Johnny Storm feels the warmth.
-Katchoo joins the Parker Girls.
1987: Powerful mutagen creates the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles; marketers have field day.
-Death of fake Hess in Spandau prison.
-Second Smurf/Care Bears War.
1988: Alexander Burgess unintentionally frees Morpheus.
-Fox "Spooky" Mulder begins his career with the FBI.
-A bunny decides to be Frank with Donnie Darko.
1989: Berlin Wall comes tumbling down.
-Massacre in Tien En Mein Square.
-Somewhat smaller massacres at the All-Nite Diner and the first (and last) serial killers' convention. Harper Curtis misses the con, and he fails to kill Kirby Mazrachi
1990: ARPAnet ends; Tim Berners-Lee creates the World Wide Web.
-First Masters thesis published on erotic/porno/sex fanfic on World Wide Web.
-Daughter of Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson becomes "Spider-Girl."
-Western powers continue to sign trade deals with some scummy, rights-violating dictators while bombing others.
1991: Danny Casolaro uncovers "The Five's" influence in various matters; death ruled suicide.
-Asakawa begins investigating the Sadako videotape; many spin-offs and copies subsequently will be launched.
-Joey Jeremiah is dating Caitlin Ryan, but he's fcuking Tessa Campanelli.
-Pam Ewing pulls back her shower curtain to discover Ben Reilly, a clone of Peter Parker, who in fact survived his apparent death at Reichenbach Falls thanks to the magical intervention of Darren Stevenson and the young Willow Rosenberg. Adopts black outfit; grows mullet.
1992: Special Agent Scully assigned to evaluate Agent Mulder's work with the "X" Files. For remainder of decade, FBI agents will get kicks sending duo on various wild goose-chases.
-Trolls, long thought to be extinct, demonstrate their significant numbers online.
1993: Three hideous murders in West Memphis, Arkansas rock small community. Investigated by police with heads spectacularly far up butts.
-Kirby and Dan track Harper Curtis to the House on the Maze.
1994: End of Apartheid in South Africa, start of all-racial elections.
-Superman Sr. dies saving the world. Flash late for funeral.
-Mulder visits LA, encounters three vampires and their associate, Kristen Kilar.
-While on vacation, adolescent Buffy Summers and John Boone have puppy-love encounter over Shirley Temples. Initials carved in tree.
-Three film students with palsy disappear while making a documentary on the Blair Witch.
1995: Group of genetically-engineered superhumans take over several world capitols. The O.J. Trial dominates the news, however, so no one notices. Handily overthrown by Justice League International with aid of Lara Croft, the superhumans leave earth in remarkably advanced ships.
-David Qin meets Katchoo at the Houston Museum of Fine Arts. Francine loses it; Freddie Femur gets hung up
1996: Concerned about recent superhuman situation and inspired by Captain America, Abhay becomes Tiranga, shield-slinging hero of India.
-After being identified by Watcher Merrick as slayer, Buffy Summers kicks serious vamp butt. Beginning of end of vampires on earth, so that overused genre can finally be laid to rest.
-Buffy slays Lothos at Hemery High, LA. Merrick dies. Buffy and mom move to Sunnydale.
-One of "the Five" goes insane, becomes obsessed with pastry. Replacement sought. Reawakening Sauron smiles; it's all part of the Big Picture.
-Tyler Durden knocks himself out organizing Fight Club.
-Osama bin Laden recruited by "the Five." Like the others, he believes he will exploit them for his own ends. Western-based Five members hope to exploit his growing terrorist connections for their ends. Business as usual.
1997: The Nefarious Pieman begins murder spree, draws attention of Shirley Khan.
-Master attempts "the Harvest" again in Sunnydale. Buffy, Angel, and others stop it. Spike and Drucilla arrive in Sunnydale.
-"Snake-god" scam at Delta Zeta Kappa exposed, stopped. Those crazy frat boys arrested.
-Illegal 5-SB experiments begin, using orphans as test subjects.
-Enid gets on that bus.
1998: Bin Laden declares jihad on west. Few notice.
-Enraged by murder of her daughters and attempted murder of self by husband, Chanda opens herself to visiting justice-obsessed member of Gods, Inc., and becomes crime-fighter Shakti.
1999: Capture of the Nefarious Pieman sets into motion the final conflict with Cthulhu.
-Shirley Khan forms secret alliance of heroes, Justified and Ancient.
-Computer and "survival supply" businesses clean up over Y2K.
-Sunnydale High destroyed when town's mayor Richard Wilkins "III" fuses with the Worm; Wilkins/Worm destroyed in ensuing conflict with Buffy and associates.
-The Sultan of Kinakuta announces plans to create a Data Haven.
-Compu-attack on Novus Ordo Seclorum, corporation with possible ties to "the Five."
-Wedding rehearsal in El Paso disrupted by Deadly Viper Assassination Squad, apparently unable to hold their peace.
-Curse of Blair Witch strikes again in form of excessive hype over film about people with shockingly limited wilderness survival skills.
-Lazarus Long stages death of photographer alter-ego, Fellig, and moves on.
2000: World celebrates the millenium a year early.
-Dracula stupidly heads for Sunnydale to investigate demise of Lothos and the Master. Defeated by Buffy.
-"Golgotha" motherlode re-discovered.
-A beast stalks Bailey Downs. Ginger Snaps.
-O-Ren Ishii becomes first female head of Tokyo Yakuza.
2001: Lara Croft keeps agents of "The Five" (and horny adolescents) distracted.
-Angel and associates work to contain Wolfram and Hart.
-Buffy Summers dies, returns, and jumps the shark.
-Britney Spears addresses MIT.
-Meanwhile, coalition of heroes organized by Shirley Khan defeats "the Five" themselves, but not before they successfully revive Cthulhu. In eleventh-hour effort, the Great Hunter comes out of retirement to help. "We'we gonna get that wotten Cthuwu," he says, "and we'we gonna BWAST him! Heheheheheheheh." Chtuwu/Mowgoth/Nidhogg in fact defeated.
Three of "Five," Lax Dexter/Nyarlathotep, the Unnamed Suit, and the Necromantress are left dead and/or mindless. Fu Manchu escapes with harem in ship based on Mimbari design.
Osama bin Laden, even less enamoured of the West than before, uses personal terrorist network established during "Five" days to engage limited intensity warfare. Hijacked planes destroy World Trade Center.
Since there's no great devil-creature beneath the earth 'anymore,' Terrans might consider assigning blame for moral evil in the world to selves.