The Unified Field Crossover History of the Universe: Page Two
1100 BC: Sinbad goes sailing.
-Tripeds emerge on planet Trippy.
-Largely wiped out by the Rutan, the Sontarans begin mass-cloning themselves into a "perfect" soldier society; "Achilles' Neck" overlooked.

1027 BC: Imprisoned after hair-razing experience, Samson knocks down Philistine temple.

1000 BC: Gustasp of Persia slays dragons, groans at particular lameness of pun in previous item.

980 BC: David slays Goliath.

971 BC: Death of David. King has dying visions of dopey talking dog; advisors are baffled.

951: Solomon completes the Temple; the Ark of the Covenant is placed therein.

870 BC: Shiny Trapezohedron recovered by Mediterranean fisherman.

860 BC: Sundry merfolk of varying descriptions begin inhabiting ruins of Atlantis, developing assorted civilizations.

800 BC: First edition of the Kama Sutra compiled.

770 BC: Romulus and Remus born.

735 BC: Romulus founds, or rather, finds Rome, takes helm as only someone raised by wolves can.

604 BC: Birth of Lao Tzu.

600 BC: Nuclear war breaks out on planet Skaro.

586: Babylonians destroy the Temple of Solomon; Ark of the Covenant removed and stored with the Shiny Trapezohedron.

570 BC: Survivors of Skaran war, reduced to nervous systems, survive in mechanical travelling cases developed by mutated scientist Davros.

567 BC: Gautama born, will achieve enlightenment as the Buddha.

545 BC: Xena meets Lao-Tzu, learns mystic abilities from Lao Ma.

540 BC: Vardhamana born, will achieve enlightenment as founder of Jainism.

500 BC: Buddhists, Jainists begin fighting over who's more enlightened.

400 BC: Trial of Socrates.

337 BC: Alexander the Great begins conquering and stuff.

300 BC: Tripeds achieve spaceflight.

100 BC: King Lear makes Fool of self on heath; Cordelia gets hung up over dad.

52 BC: Julius Caesar seduces a young Xena, then has her crucified. Important reminder never to play with anyone who won't respect the "safe" word.

47 BC: The Library at Alexandria burns down during Roman Civil War.

46 BC: Marius takes Akasha and Enkil out of Egypt to Antioch.

45 BC: Maharet goes to Antioch to test belief that Akasha must exist for other vampires to live. Will put daggar in her heart, throw proto-Holy-Hand-Grenade at her.

44 BC: Julius Caesar realizes he shouldn't have trusted Brutus.

25 BC: Trickster member of Gods, Inc. impregnates Salish woman; Sketco born.

4 BC: Birth of Jesus. Vorlon ship buzzing by to get birth photo is mistaken for star by three Kings of Orient.

1 AD: Sketco defeats the Grizzly Man.

29: Gods, Inc. try to shake off their accumulated darker side. It briefly escapes, annoys prophet in wilderness, before being banished in oil-slick-like form to remote planet. It will refer to itself as "Armus."
-After Crucifixion, Joseph of Arimethea will inherit the Holy Grail.

30: Zygon race achieves interstellar flight, begins exploring universe.

37: Most members of Gods, Inc. leave earth.

60: Romans will demonstrate Honour Code by ignoring treaties with Celts, flogging Queen Boadicea, raping her daughters. Boudicea escapes and raises army.

61: Boadicea repels Roman invaders. Xena assists. Celtic triumph will be short-lived; so, at this point, will the Roman Empire.

77: Gandalf awakens again. Mouth very pasty.

200: Sigurd slays dragon Fafnir. People continue to wonder why dragons don't like humans.

230: Cthulhu, in attempt to break from prison, will create dragonspawn wormservant with aid of Cthulhu cultists. Effort will render Cthulhu unconscious again.
-Shiny Trapezohedron disappears beneath Egyptian desert.

240: Early proto-Viking ship lands on Paradise Island; encounter with Amazons gives rise to belief in Valkyries.

272: Library in Alexandria burned down by order of Emperor Aurelian.

300: Time-Lord Dr. Who lands on Skaro, encounters Daleks.

391: Library in Alexandria burned down under Theodosius I. Insurance premiums skyrocket.

476: A Zygon spaceship crashes in Loch Ness, Scotland. On board is the Skarasen, a half-animal, half-machine constructed from plastic wood.

500: Gandalf, now called Merlin, putteth a sword in stone and anvil.

565: St. Columba sees the Skarasen in Scotland, starts myth of Loch Ness Monster.

590: Arthur pulleth the sword out of the stone and anvil and is deemed rightful born King of the Britons. I mean, the Celts.

600: Knights of the Round Table formed.

610: Muhammed begins receiving revelations. Followers assure us that these represent the views of a supreme being, that those who recorded his revelations got them right, and that these claims are entirely unlike the strikingly similar claims made by followers of rival religious faiths.

613: Gandalf/Merlin supposed dead. In fact, resting at Stonehenge, where the cats meow.

618: Orange sunrise on T'ang dynasty; relationship between humans and dragons in China sours.

620: Holy Grail located; English taunted by French Knights.

630: The morte of Arthur, at which time, apparently, he was wearing clothing from a few centuries later.

640: Library in Alexandria burned down by order of Caliph Umar I. Insurance cancelled.

738: Abdul Alhazred completes Al Asif--the Necronomicon. He goes insane upon realizing the book is merely the invention of a future horror writer.
-Mature Cthulhan wormservant-- "the Worm"-- creates vampiristic race of Revenants.

859: T'ang dynasty grows corrupt and falters. The House of Flying Daggers rises, attempts to stop government from screwing Mei over.

907: T'ang comes to stirring end.

971: Emperor Taizu writes book on vampires and Slayers, orders legal sanctions against anyone who jokes about how much his name sounds like a fancy sauce.

1000: Abbasid Caliphs reach height of power.
-The Worm emerges in Durham, England in response to four wannabee witches calling on mystical forces.

1001: Ritual performed by good mages sends the Worm descending into the bowels of the earth. Bizarre mystical side-effect transforms witch Anyanka into vengeance demon. Three remaining witches escape to Scotland, develop reputation as "Weird Sisters," begin work on de Vermis Mysteriis.

1025: Dobrynja of Kiev proves he's no chicken and slays a dragon; sorceress Marina adopts the dragon's offspring as pet and companion. Dragons become increasingly hard to find.

1040: Weird Sisters tamper with Macbeth, get Cheap Laughs.

1054: Heads of Christian Churches in Rome, Constantinople, excommunicate each other.

1100: Elsewhere in the galaxy, the Minbari achieve spaceflight.

1164: Robin of Loxley born.

1167: Birth of Temujin, who will later steppe into history and horde places there.

1189-92: Second Crusade. Saladin rebuffs Richard Coeur-de-Lion's advances.

1190: Fugitive Robin of Loxley begins career as "Robin Hood."

1191: Eisai carries wisdom from China to Japan: zen, not tao.

1193: The Black Knight appears in England, after a king's ransom.
-Sontaran soldier stranded on earth, allies himself with feudal lord Irongron. Both irritated, defeated by Timelord Dr. Who.

1194: The Black Knight revealed to be Richard Coeur-de-Lion, returned from Crusades. Pardons Robin Hood, assists Ivanhoe, bribes chroniclers to seriously clean up his image in official histories.

1195: Robin Hood resumes life as Robin of Loxley, marries Marion.

1200: Kahless the Conqueror unites planet "Ming," now called "Kling."
-Turok and Andar wander into a really big honkin' valley and can't get out.

1206: Temujin proclaimed "Genghis Khan," sort of like how "Chick Peas" can also be called "Garbonzo Beans."

1211: Revenant-like vampiric races emerge on Ringworld.

1215: King John magna-nimously signs Carta.
-Mongols visit scenic Beijing.

1227: Death of Robin of Loxley. Marion abandons noble lifestyle, uses profits thereof to finance nice rustic cottage in the woods, where she will live another decade as "the Widow Hood."

1228: Widow Hood's granddaughter, Little Red, meets lycanthrope while delivering basket of goodies to her grandmother.

1237: Jealous of their love, the Bishop of Aquila curses Etienne Navarre and Isabeau D'Anjou.

1239: Curse on Navarre and Isabeau confounded; Bishop skewered.

1242: Navarre and Isabeau have son, Lothos.

1250: Timewarped Babylon 4 space-station reappears. Valen creates the Gray Council (named in honour of Gandalf) and leads the Minbari.
-Vorlons and Tripeds create a coalition of worlds, which engage the Shadows in the Great War. The Shadows are driven from their homeworld, Z'ha'dum. Valen writes prophecies of Shadows' return.

1252: After days of prayer to his God, the God of Love and Prince of Peace, Pope Innocent IV approves use of torture by Inquisition.

1275: Lothos vampirized.

1300: The Roma-- "Gypsies"-- wander into Europe. Shoddy welcome extended.
-William of Okham ponders nature of God, cuts himself shaving.

1333: Tripeds form Galactic Union, based on old Vorlon coalition.
-Kamakura shoganate falls in Japan; Ashikaga regime established.
A rare Takauji Ashikaga shogun rookie card.

1350: Shadows s'neak back to Z'ha'dum and enter hi'bernation to avoid d'tection.

1389: The Sandman and Death pop by the White House Tavern; Robert "Hob" Gadling gets life insurance, agrees to meet Morpheus every hundred years.

1397: Orlok vamps Heinrich Joseph Nest.

1448: Vlad Tepes takes power in Transylvannia for first of several times. Tortures, kills, maims; studies sorcery and needlepoint.

1457: Skaran "Daleks" achieve spaceflight.

1477: Mekare vamps Vlad Tepes aka "Dracula"; eternal life provides great opportunity to continue studies.

1492: While sailing the ocean blue, confused explorer thinks he's found Asia, opens up way for European settlement of Americas.

1519: Aztec empire at height under Moctezuma. Aztecs expecting imminent return of Gods, Inc. member they knew as "Quetzlcoatl" get Spaniards instead.

1542:Ludvig Prinn begins translating de Vermis Mysteriis while in prison.

1564: Birth of William Shakespeare.

1572: Rabbi Judah Loew of Prague meets with King Rudolf regarding mistreatment of Jews; promise of better times ahead won't exactly be etched in stone.

1578: Nobunaga Oda attempts to unify Japan.

1580: In response to continued harrassment, Rabbi Judah Loew creates Golem.

1581: Golem proves promising but, in truth, difficult child. Deactivated, stored in rafters of Prague Synagogue.

1589: Shakespeare strikes a bargain with Morpheus.

1590: Mage Prospero shipwrecked on island, develops impressive sorcery.

1600: Early spaceflight by Klingons using technology based on timewarped crashed ships.
-William Shakespeare experiences rare writer's block, but produces new tragedy after a chance encounter with an infinite number of monkeys.

1602: Prospero and daughter Miranda rescued; Ariel the Sprite set free; Caliban the Monster realizes what a thrice double-ass he's been.
-First African slaves kidnapped to the Americas.

1604: Profits are good when you pay workers nothing at all! Start of mass-importation of African slaves to Carribean. Cthulhu stirs.

1606: Era of knights, long over, has final nail put in coffin as Don Quixote tilts at windmills, dreams the impossible dream.

1608: Galileo Galilei constructs the first astronomical telescope on earth, sees wonders of universe. Church says he doesn't.

1609: Joseph Heinrich Nest, now referred to as "the Master," vampirizes dying prostitute in Virginia and renames her "Darla."

1660: Birth of "Halfcock" Jack Shaftoe.

1666: Great Fire of London.
-Last surviving Weird Sister organizes mage Servants of Cthulhu (OMSC), starts on path that will make her the Necromantress.

1667: Elias Ashmole penetrates the Maze.

1683: Halfcock Jack rescues Eliza so that she can set about helping create the Modern WorldTM

1689: The Cabal forms; members meet the Pasha of Algiers.

1690: Duc d'Arcachon loses his head over Eliza.

1696: Halfcock Jack and the Cabal strike ballsy deal with Kottakkal, Queen of the Pirates.

1699: Quintin Maclachan born in Glasgow, Scotland.

1700: J.H. Nest embroiled in lawsuit with future Time-lord over use of the name, "the Master."

1705: The Worm, after centuries of tunneling, arrives just below surface of Massachusetts.

1710: James Boon's splinter Puritan cult founds town Jerusalem's Lot atop the Worm.

1718: Working within freemasonry, Elias Ashmole founds the Esquires of the Sword in order to guard the Maze, protect the earth.

1724: One of Boon's more sane offspring flees, founds separate Boone line.

1725: Quentin Maclachan flees Scotland to Carolina "with a claymore and a tartan and a copy of De Vermis Mysteriis, "the infernal book which he felt some strange need to preserve as if a talisman against the evil of which it speaks"."

1727: Birth of Liam of Galway, Ireland.

1731: Puppeteers introduce Superconductor Plague to Ringworld.

1733: Superconductor Plague causes fall of Cities on Ringworld.

1734: Daniel Boone is born, he was a re-e-eal man.

1741: "Mad" Hettie born, will keep on going.

1750: Narn homeworld is conquered by the Klingons (pronounced "Centauri" in the Narn tongue)

1753: Liam of Galway vamped by Darla, takes the name "Angelus."

1760: Darla introduces Angelus to the Master.
-Birth of Lestat.

1763: Robert and Philip Boone build Chapelwaite near Jerusalem's Lot, encounter Boon's cult.

1776: Americans announce independence, liberty for all.
Continue to keep slaves.
-Minbari ship crashes in remote part of China, leaving no survivors.
-Wise guy Adam Weisenhaupt founds the Illuminated Seers of Bavaria-- the Illuminati.

1778: OMSC infiltrate the Illuminati, become "the Five."

1779: Lestat goes to Paris to become an actor.
-Quentin Mclachan settles with his infant grandson in Kentucky. De Vermis Mysteriis falls into Boon's hands, is sold to a soon-to-be-defunct publisher.

1780: Angelus vamps Lestat. Lestat takes over theatre which he gives to four vampires who turn it into the "Theater of the Vampires." Vampire penchant for originality in nomenclature comes into serious question.

1780s: Illuminati ruthlessly surpressed. "Illuminati" name later co-opted by various disgruntled doofuses. "The Five" increasingly have only tenuous connection with any such group, but try to maintain contact with Cthulhu cults. Attempts to resurrect Cthulhu fail, as missing part of spell was in book burnt in fire at library in Alexandria.

1785: Eli Kedward accused of witchcraft in Blair, Maryland; banished during harsh winter.

1786: Disappearance of Eli Kedward's accusers, along with any kids who participated in "Smelly Eli/ Brains of jelly" schoolyard chant. Fearing a present curse and future marketing, Blair residents abandon town.

1789: Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite for awhile, eh?
-Lestat encounters the still-entranced Akasha and Enkil.
-Philip Boone is baptized into Boon's cult at Jerusalem's Lot, seeks and obtains the original copy of De Vermis Mysteriis. Jerusalam's Lot settlers disappear.

1791: Slave uprising in Santo Domingo.
-In Louisiana, Lestat vamps young Louis.

1792: Enlightened, egalitarian types asked, "what about us?" by Mary Wollstonecraft.
-Louis 16th loses his head.

1794: Slaves drive Lestat and Louis from Point du Lac. Lestat vamps five-year-old Claudia.

1795: The Teutonic Knights LEL break off from the Esquires of the Sword, attempt to find own way into the Maze.
-Radioactive meteor crashes near Wold-Newton, England.
--Witch Angelique curses Barnabas Collins. He is filled with angst over becoming a vampire, and also over the prediction that he will one day presage an overblown trend.

1797: Victor Frankenstein creates life in the image of man; things go downhill from there.

1798: Victor Frankenstein dies in Arctic; Monster heads across frozen wastes.

1799: Napoleon becomes "first Consul" of France, since you can always trust a dedicated general and Son of the Revolution not to be intoxicated by power.

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I should acknowledge at this point that I am doing very odd things with characters to which others own the copyright. In referencing such characters, I am in no way suggesting that I have any claim to copyright.

The site, however, contains unique features and turns of phrase, and any references to or quotations from this timeline must be properly credited to this site.