|The Unified Field Crossover History of the Universe|
|The Complete Waste o' Timeline: Page One|
|One bajillion BCE: The universe ends.|
15 billion BCE: Out of the matter of the old universe, a new big sha-bang begins again.
The energy sent forth in time by the last of the Jedi Knights and the dying "Force" survives as magic, which can occasionally be harnessed by wizards, witches, mages, and disgruntled doofuses who can't manage basic social skills. Some "magic" also solidifies into "dilithium crystals."
-Past and future activity of Gods, Inc. creates the Maze.
-Lone humanoid survivor of the previous universe becomes Galactus the Eater of Planets and Speaker of Really Stilted Phrases. He will become the physical model for many sentient life-forms that will be, while his propensity for referring to himself in the third person will become an inspiraton to super-villains yet unborn.
13 billion BCE: The Great Old Ones (Gods, Inc.) appear.
7-6 billion BC or thereabouts: first sentient beings other than the "Great Old Ones" begin to emerge: the Old Ones (not to be confused with the Great Old Ones), and the proto-Thrints.
-Cthulhu, Annoying Member of Gods, Inc. spawns "demon" races.
5 billion BC: Sol, earth's sun, forms.
4.5 billion BC: Earth forms.
3 billion BC: Thrints form the Galactic Empire.
1.5 billion BC: Thrints experience rebellion from Triuctip slaves; Thrint Empire collapses. "But they were well-treated, honestly," Thrints moan.
1.4 billion, 999 thousand, 999 BC: Kzanol the Thrint experiences ship failure, crashes into a moon of Neptune and sends it into independent orbit around our sun as Pluto. Kzanol, in stasis, crashes into primordial seas of earth.
1 billion BC: the wandering Not-So-Great Ones follow Kzanol's trail towards earth, bringing with them the Shiny Trapezohedron.
580 million BC: Sun-Prophet member of Gods, Inc. settles for a time on mostly-desert planet "Arrakis," worms his influence into the development of organic life there.
300 million BC: drawn by presence of "Sun-Prophet," So-so Old Ones settle on Arrakis.
250 million BC: emergence of proto-Minbari/Pak specie, a race vaguely imitating Galactus-form.
200 million BC: emergence of Puppeteers on distant planet.
205-135 million BC: on earth, Gondwonaland breaks up. So-so Old Ones arrive on Antarctica, set up civilizations, breed Shoggoths, muck about with organic life.
150 million BC: Shoggoths make war on Old Ones.
140 million BC: Its world devastated in the cross-fire of the Thrint-Triuctip War, a being compose of the remnants of the dead race called the Xeraphin relocates on earth. Once there, they are contacted by the Master, a stranded Time-Lord from the distant future, who persuades the evil side of the Xeraphin to work with him to fix his TARDIS. Lacking the power to deal with the Old Ones, he uses his TARDIS's damaged power-banks to create a time-contour which pulls a Concorde back from 1982. Passengers become slave labour, lose luggage, demand refunds.
A second Time-Lord, Dr. Who, returns the Concorde and pursues the Master. Cue theremin.
100 million BC: The Great Old Ones cast Cthulhu (aka Morgoth, Nidhogg, The One Who is A Pain in the Ass) out of H'eV'en.
80 million BC: Cthulhu enters the Milky Way, passes close to the planet Z'ha'dum, leaving Cthulhu-spawn behind.
75 million BC: Irradiated Cthulhu-spawn on Z-ha-dum evolve into the "Shadows."
70 million BC: Xena rides a quetzlcoatlus.
1230 BC: Jason and the Argonauts touch down in Colchis, fleece the local population of gold.
1220 BC: Out-of-control, timespinning spaceship from 2058/65 arrives on planet Mongo. Adventurers Flash, Dale, and Zarkhov initially meet with hostility from Emperor Ming, but new stock is eventually welcome by seriously inbred Mongons.
1210 BC: The Sacking of Troy. Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.
1207 BC: Mongo renamed "Ming" after late God-emperor.
1202 BC: Lost heroes of Troy arrive in Italy, set up on the Tiber. Okay, so these guys start from Turkey, head for Greece, and end up in Italy? Maybe a "designated sailor" would've been a really excellent idea.
1200 BC: Odysseus arrives home late, but has pretty good excuse.
-Dorian invasion ushers in Greek Dark Ages.
-Philistine tribes wander out of Greece and into the Bible.
-Remaining Amazons set sail.
-C. Arthur "Clip Art" Cliparti exits the Maze, centuries before his birth and in possession of the Maps of Tagu.
1180 BC: Amazons arrive at Paradise Island, once a principal habitation of Gods, Inc.