The Unified Field Crossover History of the Universe
The Complete Waste o' Timeline: Page One
One bajillion BCE: The universe ends.

15 billion BCE: Out of the matter of the old universe, a new big sha-bang begins again.
The energy sent forth in time by the last of the Jedi Knights and the dying "Force" survives as magic, which can occasionally be harnessed by wizards, witches, mages, and disgruntled doofuses who can't manage basic social skills. Some "magic" also solidifies into "dilithium crystals."
-Past and future activity of Gods, Inc. creates the Maze.
-Lone humanoid survivor of the previous universe becomes Galactus the Eater of Planets and Speaker of Really Stilted Phrases. He will become the physical model for many sentient life-forms that will be, while his propensity for referring to himself in the third person will become an inspiraton to super-villains yet unborn.

13 billion BCE: The Great Old Ones (Gods, Inc.) appear.
7-6 billion BC or thereabouts: first sentient beings other than the "Great Old Ones" begin to emerge: the Old Ones (not to be confused with the Great Old Ones), and the proto-Thrints.
-Cthulhu, Annoying Member of Gods, Inc. spawns "demon" races.

5 billion BC: Sol, earth's sun, forms.

4.5 billion BC: Earth forms.

3 billion BC: Thrints form the Galactic Empire.

1.5 billion BC: Thrints experience rebellion from Triuctip slaves; Thrint Empire collapses. "But they were well-treated, honestly," Thrints moan.

1.4 billion, 999 thousand, 999 BC: Kzanol the Thrint experiences ship failure, crashes into a moon of Neptune and sends it into independent orbit around our sun as Pluto. Kzanol, in stasis, crashes into primordial seas of earth.

1 billion BC: the wandering Not-So-Great Ones follow Kzanol's trail towards earth, bringing with them the Shiny Trapezohedron.

580 million BC: Sun-Prophet member of Gods, Inc. settles for a time on mostly-desert planet "Arrakis," worms his influence into the development of organic life there.

300 million BC: drawn by presence of "Sun-Prophet," So-so Old Ones settle on Arrakis.

250 million BC: emergence of proto-Minbari/Pak specie, a race vaguely imitating Galactus-form.

200 million BC: emergence of Puppeteers on distant planet.

205-135 million BC: on earth, Gondwonaland breaks up. So-so Old Ones arrive on Antarctica, set up civilizations, breed Shoggoths, muck about with organic life.

150 million BC: Shoggoths make war on Old Ones.

140 million BC: Its world devastated in the cross-fire of the Thrint-Triuctip War, a being compose of the remnants of the dead race called the Xeraphin relocates on earth. Once there, they are contacted by the Master, a stranded Time-Lord from the distant future, who persuades the evil side of the Xeraphin to work with him to fix his TARDIS. Lacking the power to deal with the Old Ones, he uses his TARDIS's damaged power-banks to create a time-contour which pulls a Concorde back from 1982. Passengers become slave labour, lose luggage, demand refunds.
A second Time-Lord, Dr. Who, returns the Concorde and pursues the Master. Cue theremin.

100 million BC: The Great Old Ones cast Cthulhu (aka Morgoth, Nidhogg, The One Who is A Pain in the Ass) out of H'eV'en.

80 million BC: Cthulhu enters the Milky Way, passes close to the planet Z'ha'dum, leaving Cthulhu-spawn behind.

75 million BC: Irradiated Cthulhu-spawn on Z-ha-dum evolve into the "Shadows."

70 million BC: Xena rides a quetzlcoatlus.
The savagery of the dinosaurs, who lived long before the Marquess of Queensbury rules were established.

66.6 million BC: Cthulhu crashes into earth, causes extinction of dinosaurs.
-Battles, lawsuits ensue between terran Cthulu-spawn and dying Old Ones.

65 million BC: Rise of mammals.
-Hardier, surviving dinosaurs give rise to dragon races.
-Cthulhu sleeps beneath the sea in R'lyeh.

60 million BC: Isolated colony of Old Ones on Arrakis develop into Vorlon race.

38 million BC: Small proto-dragon race, the Silurians, go into hibernation on earth.

20 million BC: Vorlon encounter the Navigator progenitor race. Some are brought to Arrakis, where they escape the great sand-worms by living in the limited water-deposits. The atmosphere, now heavily imbued with the mind-altering spice, "melange," begins to influence their evolution.

17 million, seven-hundred, twenty-three BC: Puppeteers achieve spaceflight.

17 million BC: Scarce waters on Arrakis begin to dry up. Awkwardly space-travelling Puppeteers encounter dying prescient race on Arrakis, where they begin employing them as freelance Space Navigators.

10 million BC: The Vorlon encounter the Shadows in space, have t'ea.

9.5 million BC: Vorlon make contact with proto-Minbari race.

7 million BC: Minbari/Pak-protector races diverge, as proto-Pak-protectors brought into deep space by the Vorlon.

6 million BC: Interference by proto-Pak race brought to earth leads to hominid line diverging from chimps, bonobos, gorillas, congregation of the Westboro Baptist Church.

5 million BC: Australopithecines first appear.

3.8 million BC: hominids F'Red and Wi'L'mA stroll across an African plain.

3 million BC: homo habilis established. Smarter than earlier hominids, but when somebody calls one, it answers quite slowly.

2 million BC: Homo erectus rises.

One million BC: R'Ach'El wears humankind's first bikini.
-Pak species achieves independent spaceflight.

497, 004 BC: On earth, G'rathas, V'irga discovers how to make fire; tribal "Eternal Flame" watchers get much-needed break.

400 000 BC: In the human race, early homo sapiens moves ahead of homo erectus.

180 000 BC: Homo sapiens neadrathalis begins to replace earlier homo sapiens.

150 000 BC: Humans from previous universe arrive on Earth aboard a ragtag fleet led by the Battlestar Galactica. Adama, Cylon skinjobs, Hera interbreed with indigenous humans and Arthur Dent, producing Homo sapiens sapiens.

130 000 BC: Homo sapiens sapiens begins to replace Homo sapiens neandrathalis.
-Homo trollus damuglius diverges from homo sapiens neandrathalis.

100 000 BC: Time-Lords from the future arrive on the planet Minyos, decide to do all they can to help Minyan civilization develop. This messes things up so badly most future Time-Lords will develop a non-interventionist policy.

60 000 BC: Emergence of homo sapiens aquaticus in waters.

50 000 BC: Emergence of homo sapiens off-shoots: homo elvis, homo dwarvus, homo hobbitus.
In water, regular merfolk and Deep Ones diverge.
-Chieftan Crom-Ya experiences mind-control effects from Great Old Ones.

15 000 BC: In space, construction begins on Ringworld.
-On earth, Cthulhu/Morgoth awakens, badly injured. Sensing sentient beings 'round campfires, reaches for help, hopes to reach corruptable shaman. Will eventually reach Sauron the Necromancer. Efforts will fail. Sauron will retreat into caves.

14 798 BC: Pak ship makes Terran "pit stop," accidentally leaves desk-ornament hologram of Ringworld behind.

14 780 BC:Pak ships colonize Sontar.

14 732 BC: Elven-smith Dayglofian discovers Ringworld-ornament; it becomes sacred Elven artifact.

13 000 BC: First known appearance of wizards on earth.
-On planet Trippy, proto-tripeds emerge.

12 440 BC: Foundation of the Gray Havens.

10 941 BC: Elven-smiths begin the forging of the rings of power.

9655 BC: War starts between dwarves and orcs.
-In space, war starts between Sontarans and the Rutan.
-Arms dealers celebrate.

9649 BC: War of dwarves and orcs ends.

9355 BC: Atlantis sinks, population drowns. Shiny Trapezohedron sinks with them.

9200 BC: Conan meets Red Sonja at the Hyborean Sock Hop.

9007 BC: Alliance of Men and Elves crosses the Misty Mountains; Battle of Dagorland.

9000 BC: Sauron overthrown, Ringwraiths retreat into the shadows.

8050 BC: Rather staid portion of Timeline is broken up by a gratuituous link to a fat guy dressed like a baby

8012 BC: Morpheus the Sandman has an affair with a mortal, Nada. Things end badly, with the destruction of the glass city, damnation, unreturned calls.

8000 BC: Citybuilders begin importing species to Ringworld.

7575 BC: Deagol the Stoor finds the one ring, is murdered by Smeagol.

7568 BC: Smeagol/Gollum hides in the Misty Mountains.

7187 BC: Council of Wizards meets. Gandalf urges moves against Sauron, is overruled by Saruman.

7097 BC: Bilbo meets Smeagol/Gollum, finds the ring. Defeats smug dragon Smaug.
-Battle of the Five Armies.

7020 BC: Fellowship of the Ring formed. Mission threatened by evil forces, temptation, and disputes over merchandising rights.

7019 BC: Defeat of Sauron and destruction of the One Ring by Frodo and Sam.
-Sauron, supposed dead, will remain unconscious for several millenia.

6000 BC: Members of Gods, Inc. track Cthulhu to earth, stay awhile, influence many human cultures. Agree that Cthulhu is "reasonably secured" in R'lyeh.
-Meanwhile, small "Cthulhu cult" franchises sold, members prepare for the day they can revive their master. The erroneous belief develops that all of the Old Ones rest dreaming in R'lyeh.
-Spread of Indo-European tribes begins.

5050 BC: Some of Gods, Inc. assume human form. Oddball experiments with Terran genetics create various monsters, unable to reproduce themselves, but often the source of wonder, trouble, and/or myth.

5000 BC: Bothered by Human encroachments, Elves leave earth in Wizard ships. Elves have left the building

4013 BC: Khayman of Egypt rapes Akasha's twins. Pleas for vengeance reach ears of Trickster member of Gods, Inc.

4012 BC: Trickster member of Gods, Inc., under name "Amel," creates the first vampire, Akasha.

4011 BC: Akasha vamps Enkil, Khayman.

4010 BC: Khayman vamps Mekare.

4009 BC: Mekare vamps Maharet. And the bite goes on....
-Meanwhile, de-magick'd Elves in Wizard ships reach and settle planets Vulcan, Romulus.

4004 BC: Nothing of any significance Usshered in.

3001 BC: Recognizing spreading vampire problem, Gandalf and other mages create the first Slayer in African desert. After the death of the first Slayer, Council of Watchers is established to mentor future Slayers.
-Akasha and Enkil go into trancelike state, removed for a time from the world.

3000 BC: Gandalf surfaces in Egypt. Pleased with "Slayer" project, he diversifies, attempts to create hero for justice,Black Adam. Project unsuccessful, "Black Adam" banished to a distant world.

2700 BC: Gilgamesh of Uruk, first successful human/"in-human-form-god" cross, born.

2600 BC: Egypt reaches height of Old Kingdom glory.
-Egyptian Oscames develops the pyramid scheme.
-Gandalf sleeps.

2100 BC: Xia Dynasty begins in China.

1616 BC: Mimbari-inspired ship built by Fu Manchu emerges from timespin, lands on same planet as 2065 ship, but 400 earth-years earlier. He and harem begin to colonize planet, which they name "Mongo."

1500 BC and following: Various members of Gods, Inc. in male form impregnate women (showing special fondness for going Greek), create heroes.

1498 BC: Death of Fu Manchu on planet Mongo.

1421 BC: Demigod Perseus slays Gorgon Medusa.

1399 BC: Theseus slays the minotaur, dumps Ariadne.

1397 BC: Khayman vampirizes the aging Orlok.

1350 BC: Moses leads his people across the Red Sea. Or is that the Reed Sea?

1349: Moses returns from Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments, has a cow over a golden calf. The Ark of the Covenant takes two tablets.

1300 BC: Wargod impregnates mortal woman; Xena conceived.

1280 BC: TARDIS/Maze energy invades body of demigoddess Xena.

1275 BC: Demigod Hercules kills his sons in drunken rage; sentenced to community service.

1270:TARDIS/Maze energy in Xena transferred venereally to partner Gabrielle. They subsequently wander effortlessly from era to era, often without realizing it.

1230 BC: Jason and the Argonauts touch down in Colchis, fleece the local population of gold.

1220 BC: Out-of-control, timespinning spaceship from 2058/65 arrives on planet Mongo. Adventurers Flash, Dale, and Zarkhov initially meet with hostility from Emperor Ming, but new stock is eventually welcome by seriously inbred Mongons.

1210 BC: The Sacking of Troy. Beware of gifts bearing Greeks.

1207 BC: Mongo renamed "Ming" after late God-emperor.

1202 BC: Lost heroes of Troy arrive in Italy, set up on the Tiber. Okay, so these guys start from Turkey, head for Greece, and end up in Italy? Maybe a "designated sailor" would've been a really excellent idea.

1200 BC: Odysseus arrives home late, but has pretty good excuse.
-Dorian invasion ushers in Greek Dark Ages.
-Philistine tribes wander out of Greece and into the Bible.
-Remaining Amazons set sail.
-C. Arthur "Clip Art" Cliparti exits the Maze, centuries before his birth and in possession of the Maps of Tagu.

1180 BC: Amazons arrive at Paradise Island, once a principal habitation of Gods, Inc.

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